TuShan App

[hexualdysfunction]

Player Information:
Name: Kristi
Age: 31
Contact: carmensandiego
Other Characters Played: Nymphadora Tonks
Most Recent AC Link:

Character Information:
Name: Wallace "Wally" Sheldon Everett, Wizard
Canon: Original Character
Canon Point: Wally has just recently left wizarding school, and is venturing out on his own to seek his fortune.
Age: 28
Reference Links / Personal History:

Wallace Sheldon Everett was born in a little dungheap of a village, a place which happened to lie on the border of not two, but three kingdoms, and was often the site of many a raid, pillage, and battle. The land was conquered and the village's name changed so often that Wallace - "Wally" to his friends - couldn't tell you what to call it or what kingdom claims sovereignty over it now. He just refers to it as "back home'.

His mother, Gladys, was a midwife, and she told him his father was one of those soldiers from the aforementioned raiding, pillaging, and battling, who, after properly courting and marrying her, gave her one night of passion and then promptly died the next day in a gruesome battle. This, of course, never explained why he looked so much like the (married) blacksmith from down the street.

Nevermind all that. He didn't want to be a soldier or a blacksmith, so it hardly mattered who his father was. No: all Wally ever wanted to be was a wizard. The greatest wizard of all time, no less. He spent his childhood playing the healer in the party while all his friends jousted with sticks and paleo horses. This was fine with the other children: if Wally wanted to stay back and shout "firebolt, firebolt, heal, heal, ice storm!" while they got down to brass tacks, let him, the great duffer.

His mother never really approved of the whole wizarding thing, and instead trained him up to be a midwife, as it was the only thing she knew to pass along as a legacy. By the age of thirteen, Wally briefly regained his popularity among the boys of the village simply by dint of having seen so many vaginas. That popularity was lost again when he refused to describe them. (Truth be told, he found the whole thing rather icky. He did, however, reassure the other boys that vagina dentata was not a real thing. Sexual education is important.)

When he was fifteen, people grew a little tired of his smug superiority when it came to uterine health, and a collection was taken up to send him away to wizarding school. The collection paid for his core curriculum, but the rest required student loans from the local elves, who were basically a bunch of assholes with thousands of years worth of accounting sense. His interest rate was one year of his life per annum after graduation, or one spell per month until the loan was paid.

This didn't bother Wally too much. Wizarding school was wonderful. He took classes such as Necromancy, Botany, Ice Spells, Fire Cursing, and a few Liberal Arts credits including History of Tenth Age Troll Painting and Analyzing Orcish Poetry (which he excelled in, by the way.) Wally graduated 50th in a class of 51. The 51st guy died in his second semester.

Throughout this time, despite his expansive knowledge of the female genitalia, Wally never had a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. It simply never occurred to him to pursue romantic interests when there were spells to be learned. Perhaps if he had, he might have experienced a more private humiliation, like premature ejaculation or impotence, rather than the one that surfaced in his senior year: hexual dysfunction.

If someone was watching him, Wally simply couldn't perform magic. He would have failed his final exams had the proctor not agreed to at least go invisible so Wally could pretend he wasn't there during the practical spellcasting portion of the test. To date, he still hasn't overcome this particular problem, and much to his dismay, has yet to become known as the greatest wizard of all time because no one believes he is a wizard at all.

There was a several-year blip in his life where Wally spent his time drinking away the money meant for paying his loans, but that stopped when some elves caught up with him and broke his kneecaps. He was able to immediately heal himself, but it still hurt really badly, and the point was taken. He set to work trying to find a quest for himself, and it came in the form of the missing prince of Erimere.

Wally pulled together a party of people to help him set out on this new adventure: a landlocked mermaid who couldn't sing, a warrior who spent all his down time reading and had a case of the "actualies", an honest rogue, a ranger with deadly accuracy when doing trick shots, and another wizard. (Wally wasn't pleased with this last, but admittedly someone needed to do the visible spellcasting.)

This party earned a good deal of disdain from the local populace and Princess Melba, sister of the missing royal - disdain which Wally would never help to eliminate, because just as they set out on their journey, he was abducted to a giant turtle.

Setting:

The setting is loosely based on most worlds found within the high fantasy genre: sweeping landscapes full of mountainous terrain, peaceful valleys, dark forests, castles, magical creatures, and so on. Within this world exist the classes of people and stories that would make up your typical Dungeons and Dragons campaign, were it a little more aligned with reality: failure abounds, both around every corner, and within the characters themselves.

There are some anachronistic qualities, of course. The characters use modern speech and make references to things which are unlikely, or simply couldn't possibly exist in a medieval setting. Wizards have student loans to pay for their magical education. The princesses are so absolutely done with being pretty, virginal bartering tokens, and often try to escape the confines of their castles with grappling hooks and blowguns. The warriors are enthusiastic bibliophiles. The rogues don't quite get the point of being rogues. Orcs write poetry. The unicorns are disdainful and the dragons just want to get their manicures in peace.

In general, however, it is your run of the mill Tolkien-esque universe, with every imaginable creature ranging from mermaids to trolls. No hobbits, though. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and the course of history is created by the bold (or the particularly stupid.)

In Wallace's campaign, he and his companions set forth in search of a prince who has reputedly been spirited away to the darkest heart of the forest. His party consists of a landlocked mermaid, a rogue with poor thieving ability, a warrior who is actually the smart one in the group, and another wizard from Wally's graduating class who is much better at magic. The story revolves around their exploits, and the lack of faith held for them by the world at large - in particular, the sister of the vanished prince: Princess Melba.


Personality:

Wally is the friendliest guy you will ever meet. Perhaps even a bit too friendly: the sort of friendly that screams desperation for you to like him. The sort of friendly that makes him do two years' worth of homework for fifteen of his fifty classmates. Just. Too fucking friendly. The medieval equivalent of a great big nerd. He's also dependable, loyal, and basically a really nice guy, though, so if someone ever were to want to put up with him, they have that going for them.

He's intelligent and even clever in his own way, but he's not a terribly good wizard. In another life and universe, Wally probably would have made for a great OB/GYN. He's quite good with children, at that - at least those that are too young to peg him for the dork he is. Midwifery simply isn't a thing that men do much in his world, however, and his obsession with magic and Being a Wizard unfortunately derails him from taking up a career where he would have succeeded. Still, he's only twenty-eight. He has plenty of time to improve, so long as the elves don't keep sucking away at his lifespan.

His level of bravery amounts to high-pitched squeals of alarm when he's surprised, though there are some times when he's able to nut up and do something truly heroic. At least, he thinks so. He's never made that attempt. It doesn't help that he's constantly on the lookout for elves, and that, when he knows they're around, he's wound so tight that he jumps at small noises. Maybe in a world without elfin influence, he could finally come into his own. Maybe.

As far as being a wizard goes, he's really bad at it. Though he's flamboyant and sort of a shit-talking show-off, he can't cast spells when people are watching him. Call it stage fright, call it nervousness, call it hexual dysfunction: whatever the case, his spells fizzle and he panics. When no one's looking, his spells are mediocre at best, though he's quite good with healing charms, illusions, and setting things on fire.

Wally has never been involved romantically with anyone. Girls make him unforgivably nervous when and if they flirt with him, to such a degree that he loses the power of coherent speech, gets clumsy, and tries to flee through the nearest exit. Defenestration is not beyond his dignity. Should a man be the source of flirtation, he doesn't have a clue; though he may return the attention, he knows not what he does. Sexually speaking, he's a question mark until he becomes an exclamation point.

A good word to describe him would be "naive": despite his experiences, Wally still has a wide-eyed, cheerfully optimistic view of the world and of his own potential for success. That doesn't mean he's not aware of how others view him, though. For example, he knows half his village is glad to see the back end of him. What it means is Wally thinks people are mostly good and honest, everyone else is wrong about him, and all he needs is the right opportunity to prove himself. Surely then his hometown will welcome him back with open arms, and his mother won't look at him as though not quite sure that he's right in the head.

Speaking of his mother: she's still alive. Good for her, considering the bullshit their village goes through. Wally's relationship with her is a loving one, and he's quite devoted to her. In spite of his money troubles, he tries to give her what he can from his earnings four times a year, just to make sure she's living comfortably. His mother earns quite enough money on her own, and when he heads off on another of his adventures, she turns around and gives this coin to the elves to keep them off Wally's back a while longer.

He has no relationship to speak of with any other family members, though his father is clearly the blacksmith in town, and he has several half-siblings. They played together as children, but if they knew he was their brother, they never let on. Wally, on the other hand, would have loved to have siblings growing up. Neighbor children can run away when you try to play with them, but siblings don't have any choice, you see.

Ah, well. No reason for bitterness. There's so much in the world for him to enjoy, and so much that other people take for granted. Wally can't help but be a cheerful sort of guy when the world's so full of promise, right?

Well. Like most normal people with human emotions, occasionally he can fall into a dark mood and sit drinking away his woes until someone shakes him out of it. Wally isn't all smiles and bouncy steps. He has a morose, brooding side. The good news is that it's underdeveloped, and it doesn't last long enough to get annoying (or attractive in a Mr. Darcy sort of way.) He doesn't have much to be miserable about, other than his monetary debt...and inability to cast spells properly...and the fact that his entire village sort of hates him...and the Princess herself called him useless.

...Wait...


Appearance:

At 5'9", he's not exactly how one would imagine a wizard. He's on the short side, really, and though he's mostly lean, he has a bit of padding around the middle and cheeks: baby fat. He has dishwater blonde hair and, at least, a respectable beard. His eyes are brown because he's full of shit. He wears robes only when he's trying to look "professional"; most of the time, he really likes trousers and fluffy white shirts. He thinks it makes him look romantic.

Abilities:

Wally's abilities mostly include your typical spells found in high fantasy books and games: firebolts, fireballs, cone of cold, healing spells, lightning bolts, so on. There is also some implication that he could do necromancy if he had the inclination, but he really doesn't. Dead things are icky.

His preferred abilities are those related to fire (burning things in various fancy ways), illusion (creating duplicates of himself or crafting other such hallucinations to distract his foes), and teleportation (moving from one location to another via the use of magic.)

He relies heavily on the latter two; those spells keep the enemy from seeing him.

He's also quite proficient with healing spells, particularly those that are worked on unconscious people, pregnant women, or himself.

That said, Wally can't use magic if people are watching him. He freaks out and all his spells fizzle. When he can cast spells, they aren't particularly strong: he's only a novice, and kind of a shitty wizard overall.

As for other abilities: he has a college student's ability to pilfer from free-range sources like condiment counters (or crates and merchant counters, as the case may be) to supplement his food sources and is all right as a sneak, but has absolutely no skill at subterfuge.

He's also a decent midwife.

So. You know. If anyone gets pregnant.

Inventory:

On Wally's person, he'll have a spellbook, a set of clothes, a pair of shoes, some coins, various wizardry tidbits like willow bark and an eye of newt (just one, in a pocket), and a staff.

The staff doesn't do anything. It's just a staff.

Suitability:

Wally is desperately looking to make a name for himself as a competent wizard. Without his debt collectors on his back, he'll think he has a better chance of thriving and coming into his own. With all the trouble TuShan has, he'll be happy to come running to their aid whenever he can, even if it means getting in the way rather than actively helping.

As for the people, Wally's a pretty sociable guy, making friends with just about anything that moves, and finding CR shouldn't be a problem at all.

Soul Gem:



In-Character Samples:
Third Person (Prose):

It's the first day of his new life here in...wherever this place is. Doesn't matter. It's not home, and it's not where the elven bankers are waiting to collect on his student loans, with the exorbitant interest rates that don't necessarily involve percentages so much as years of his life, or spellcasting - which is unquestionably worse, because they insist on watching him cast spells. If they were normal folk with normal lifespans, they would get tired of his hexual dysfunction after an hour and finally close their eyes and let him work, but elves are immortal. Their concept of time is different. They can wait for days before getting impatient.

Wally loses at least five days a month whenever he goes to pay the minimum for his loans.

It's funny (in that it's not particularly funny at all) that the lending back home is done by the elves; they've lived so long and accumulated so much knowledge and wealth that even the goblins aren't competition for their banking practices. The problem is, where goblins might have been fair about it, elves are known for being the loan sharks of Wally's world. If you don't pay your bills on time, they come after you and give you the absolute worst hallucinations. Punitive vision quests.

Elves are weird.

And right now, they're (hopefully) too far away to collect from him.

He's practically skipping as he makes his way down the street, eyes wide with wonder (and a little giddiness that comes from a taste of financial freedom, no lie, even if he is one broke wizarding asshole right now.) Walking backwards, head tilted back so he can have a look at unfamiliar skies, runs him right into some poor, unsuspecting humanoid - whom he hopes is not an elf. "Oh! Terribly sorry."


Network:

Good morning, my friends! This lovely day, I awoke to the sun reflecting off the shell of our gracious host, the great swimming turtle -

Which - ah. May or may not be dead. And it wasn't actually the shell, it was a building with particularly reflective windows. But you get the point: lovely, lovely day.

Who has plans today? I have a strong desire - a hankering, if you will - for adventure, and am in search of a party for just such a campaign. Now, I find it best if my parties consist of one thief, one swordsman, one bard, and possibly a Paladin or a Monk of some sort. You know. Religious types to keep an eye on our immortal souls.

We also need a quest.

I do love questing.

[He has literally never been on a quest.]

I think I'll hold auditions. Please submit your name and work experience to Wallace Sheldon Everett, Wizard, by noon. I'd like to get a much earlier start than that, but I also understand people have other obligations.